History Lessons
...
Moses started, “Thou shalt not...” But Aaron gave his ass a swat, Grabbed the tablets, swiped the staff, And separated wheat from chaff. * The Spartans at Thermopylae Never even had to pee When Xerxes’ armies charged the pass Performing hip-hop breaks en masse. * Great Archimedes, in his bath, Turned his mind again to math. His plan to marry math to art Was interrupted by a fart. * Caesar and Jesus shook their hands And then divided up their lands. To Rome: the fields, the skies, the sea; But all the souls to Galilee. * Saint Auggie’s hippo said “Be chaste!” The Saint said that would be a waste Of God’s endowment to his loins; He’ll pray repentance in De Moines. * Byzantium’s Theodosian walls Are now so many shopping malls. Orban’s cannon, tipped upright Displays bright flowers to the light. * The Roman armies built these roads Now peasants travel, singing odes, Upon the backs of dinosaurs Who munch and lunch on mushroom spores. * King Charlemagne across the Rhine Was eating grapes and feeling fine. In Rome Pope Leo, feeling down, Set off to find an Emperor’s crown. * No compass guided Vikings when They crossed the sea and back again. They felt a tickle in their beard When things would get a little weird. * King Henry-Five could, by his smiles, Persuade his men to march for miles. But when Falstaff whined he must “to bed” The King wept tears of purest red. * Joan of Arc stared at her English jailers Foreseeing their interrogation failures. She ran them through with French pikes that descended From slots the Holy Spirit recommended. * Elizabeth and Mary, Queen of Scots Lined up together for their shots. And now, their vaccination plans fulfilled, They’ll try to have each other killed. * The Plymouth Pilgrims knelt and prayed; Each peeked out, hoping to get laid. All winter long they grew so thin From all the rubbing skin on skin. * William rowed his Queen ashore To find the Brits a total bore. Mary signed the Bill of Rights And then got busy knighting knights. * The Adams brothers ruled MA With an iron fist and limp bouquet. The Redcoats marched and shot their wad Then died from Patriots wielding cod. * Surveying Cambridge Common, Washington Summoned Henry with his gun: “But Knoxy, all this cannon that you brought Won’t hold off the sans-culottes.” * With tennis racquets held up high The Jacobins all told a lie: Liberty! Fraternity! And priest-legs cut off at the knee. * Napoleon poked at Josephine With Nelson’s arm and whale baleen. Duke Dub-ya fastened his cravat Then bopped the consul on the hat. * Andrew Jackson, in the stands Applauded all the half-time bands. But when the Redskins lost the game He voted that they change their name. * It’s quite well known that Honest Abe Was eloquent as just a babe. He’d crawl the stairs from floor to floor Reciting Poe’s forgotten lore. * Harriet Tubman’s spaceship was insane. It held ten-thousand more souls than a train. She tunneled under Richmond’s central dock Destroying Davis statues with the shock. * After Grant had won the war He soon became supremely poor. So he sold ten-dozen teapot-domes Until betrayed by sleeping gnomes. * When Winston Churchill rose to speak, And eyed the flags he hoped to freak, Halifax sneezed and blew his nose And MPs took off all their clothes. * FDR put on his magic ring Then leapt in bed with Daisy for a fling. The free world held its breath and looked aside. The ships at Pearl ascended with the tide. * “Elizabeth R” was how she signed her name. Her racy postcards brought her wealth and fame. John, Paul, et al, attended her ballet; She wrote them fourteen sweet, sweet melodies— then waved them all away. * When aliens land on earth and dig They’ll find that we were really big. Admiring all our tools and clothes, They’ll take a knee To Humanity Show a ring and then propose. * * * *
See also: Poetry Bloodbath.